The Vegan Death Rattle of Whole Foods Market, Paramus NJ

_{This image was generated by AI. I asked it create an image of a “whole foods market screaming in pain” and I guess that W and D certainly at least made me wince.}

A long time ago in a town, far, far away (Edgewater), I went to my first Whole Foods and had the delight of experiencing quality vegan products (Oh vegan egg salad, how I miss thee!) at reasonable prices. (I miss reasonable prices more.)

Today, I frequented the Paramus Whole Foods Market, which is now my Whole Foods of record in the rare instances I go to any Whole Foods these days. Why has my visiting frequency decreased? It’s simple – they just don’t have much in the way of vegan stuff I need anymore.

Whole Foods used to be the only place to get vegan cream cheese – now, Shop Rite Paramus has at least three choices. I’m pretty sure WHM Paramus has vegan cream cheese, but they definitely don’t have my brand – just some ill tasting fancy pants drivel.

No Daiya slices in stock. Sometimes they have Swiss, but that’s it. Empty shelves. Do your self a favor and DON’T zoom in to check the prices. Your blood pressure will thank you.

What do I buy at WFM Paramus? Mini blueberry frozen waffles- wait, no I don’t, they’ve been discontinued. They still have the big box of plain ones, but the big box of regular size blueberry waffles went the way of full shelves a long time ago.

Remember the long pizzas with the good cheese? Those have been gone for years. Today the only vegan option has peppers on it – RED PEPPERS, the veggie that used to find its way into every frozen vegan meal on earth – the simple, cheap garnish no one wants.

The vegan sushi? I believe the contemporary parlance requires me to describe it as mid, which is accurate for flavor and texture, BUT NOT THE PRICE!

But seriously, these are restaurant prices.

What happened to all the affordable frozen 365 vegan products? Are they all out of stock at the same time? Yeah, probably not.

If you want desert and you don’t want Rubicon, you’re probably better going some place else. They usually have chocolate chip cookies and brownies from their bakery, but you can’t really count on it. The vegan croissants were in stock today, a small miracle. They also have a large selection of Abe’s muffins and, if you’re willing to take out a second mortgage on your home, cakes.

Sure, Just Egg was $6.50 today instead of the usual $7.50, so that's a plus, but mostly, things I used to buy at Whole Foods were either overpriced, out of stock or discontinued - not to be confused with the 365 bread, which was on the shelf at my last visit, but was literally frozen to the touch.

So I guess you could say that WFM and I haven’t necessarily entered the toxic phase of our relationship, but we’ve basically gone from BFFs to SSS.